When it comes to improving any aspect of our life, few things are as important as the feedback that helps us identify potential areas of improvement. Ironically, giving critical feedback is super hard, and receiving it is even harder. Why?
I think this HBR article really nailed it when it said that the process of giving honest, critical feedback can be intensely uncomfortable and cause anxiety on both sides of the table. On one hand, the person giving the feedback may be worried that their feedback might irreparably damage their relationship with the recipient, the recipient’s self confidence, or both. On the other hand, the person receiving the feedback may be worried about its potential impact on their reputation and earning potential, so they naturally become defensive.
If critical feedback is super important (and I really think it is), we need ways to push through these emotional roadblocks. Below are some great ideas I found for doing just that.
Giving Feedback
Kim Scott, author of the really cool book titled Radical Candor said it best when she said the evaluation of feedback doesn’t happen at the giver’s mouth but at the receiver’s ear. To improve the quality of feedback you provide, here’s a few things you can try:
1. Care personally: As the saying goes: people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care. Develop a genuine interest in the people you interact with on a daily basis. Learn their life stories, and frequently provide positive and critical feedback to show your commitment to their personal development.
2. Challenge directly: Make your feedback as clear and direct as possible. Sugar coating critical feedback reduces its value to the recipient, and while being direct may feel mean, it is actually the more caring thing to do.
3. Pick the right time: Critical feedback can get very emotional very quickly, which is why you need to pick the right time for the feedback session. As a rule of thumb, it’s best to separate these sessions from other emotionally charged topics like compensation or promotion reviews. If you don’t, all the recipient hears is “blah blah blah… promotion blah blah blah…” 🙂
Receiving Feedback
While improving your ability to give feedback is great, getting better at receiving feedback is even more important. Here’s three great ideas for doing this:
1. P . A . U . S . E: While we know we’re not perfect, it still sucks to hear it from someone else. Initial reactions to critical feedback include outright denial, assigning blame, and attacking the messenger. Therefore, you want to give yourself time to get to a place where you can constructively engage with the feedback. Take the time you need, and let the giver of the feedback know that you’ll check back in with them once you are ready to engage.
2. Separate the signal from the noise: All pieces of feedback are not created equal. In most cases, the critical feedback you receive may neither be specific nor actionable. In a few cases though, they will be. To find the diamonds in the rough, you have to deliberately and honestly evaluate each piece of feedback to figure out which you can learn from and which you can safely discard.
3. Resist the urge to go underground: We tend to avoid people after they give us critical feedback, and resisting this urge is beneficial in two main ways. First and foremost, these people provide us with the important insights we need to improve ourselves. Also, with the right approach, our harshest critics can become our greatest champions.
Critical feedback sessions are hard, and important. The good news is that the more frequently you engage in them, the more comfortable they seem to become.